I FORGIVE YOU AND MYSELF

YOU WERE A BETTER GRANDFATHER THAN FATHER, BUT I FORGIVE YOU AND MYSELF

My father and I were estranged for years because I could not understand his absence from my life. So I blamed my mother for his departure from our lives and began separating myself from my family. For 30 years, I saw my family once or twice a year. "But today, when I begin to write this letter, it made me realize that the same thing I was angry about with my father I did to my family. I would come home or occasionally call, going on with my life. But not really living my life because I was alone Within Myself, and I did not know how to come out but God. When my mother had her stroke and developed Alzheimer's, I was in New York working for JP Morgan. When my family said they couldn't handle her, I visited. When she saw me, she immediately knew who I was and said, "Please do not let me stay in this nursing home." So my first thought was, I can't take care of her. I can't leave my job and home in New York to return here, and why should I? She took care of them more than me, let them do it. On the way back to New York, all I could think about was my mom, and I asked God why I had to take care of her or my dad. They didn't take care of me like they should. Months went by, and it felt like I was on punishment. Nothing was going right for me. So, I asked God, " What do You want me to do, " 'He said to go home." But I am home. No, a few more months went by all hell broke loose.

My Son needs more of my time, but work does not allow it. I need to see my family more because they're falling apart, But work doesn't allow it. Around this time, Bank One had merged with us and offered 20 years or more of early retirement with 3 years of full pay and four years of medical. Around this time, so many jobs were lost, so unemployment was extended to almost two and a half years for some people, and my unemployment came from New York. Around this time, my niece moved back to NY, so I could leave my house in her care. My surroundings pressured me into obedience, and I came home. I took care of my mother for six years and rekindled our relationship. Doing care for my mother, God was humbling my spirit, and before she died in an Alzheimer's state, she told me, Mary, I know you did not understand the absence of your father or the pull back from me.

I did not know how to explain it where you would understand then, and now I understand you were lost and alone. When your dad and I separated, I had to raise you alone and focus on the weak more than the strong; you are the strongest link in the chain. My mother left me with more than I could imagine and still cares for me today. I told her that I forgave her, and now she forgave me. Also, you have to forgive your father too. I said I don't think I could do that. She said you have to. God is trying to take you somewhere, and you won't make it if you don't. I said yes to her, but I didn't mean it; that was in 2011. In 2019 my father asked to live with me. I said no because we live two different lifestyles, and I didn't want him to. I prayed about it and sought counseling, but I still was reluctant. Again God and my surroundings made me obedient. My father and I began to rekindle our relationship as well. He did not come to my graduation but went to my Son's graduation. He did not come to my wedding but was there for my Son. I did not have the opportunity to hang out with him, but my Son's did. In tears, my father said if I let him live with me, he would change his life, and he did. Six days before he stopped speaking, he said I didn't have much to give, but he gave me all his love that he did not give me when I needed it. As I was writing this letter, I began to see God's plan unfold in my life that I did not see before. Thank You, Lord, for the revelation of forgiveness. So today, I bury all my anger and unforgiveness for you and everyone. 

Are you embittered by anything that keeps you in bondage? It's time to make peace. It's time to accept the unchangeable past, embrace the priceless present, and have faith in tomorrow's promise. It's time to trust God completely. It's time to reclaim His peace that should be yours.